For a brief moment, you and I were once together as One cell… Then we divided exponentially for approximately 200,000 years and we continue to do so as you read these words. Evolutionary biologists label this genetic togetherness as Mitochondrial Eve. Ironically, this part of the DNA is where the mutation responsible for my ALS lies. With death alluring, some ask where I seek comfort without religion and for some reason this thought does. I imagine flipping the tree of evolution over and tracing all the branches until they lead to One. Maybe, you and I will always be divided yet united in a different type of eternity...
Yesterday, I was home alone & wanted to create... & although my camera was mounted on a rolling tripod, I couldn't change my ISO, shutter, f/stop, white balance or tripod height because of my disability & inability of setting up my rig properly. So I pushed my tripod around my house & took hundreds of out of focus abstract compositions for two hours. It was so incredibly fulfilling. This may not resonate with everyone but I'm in love with this new process & pursuit of creating art... even if it's simply for the sake of creating it.
my hands twitch and spasm as ie type this. my left hand seems to be further inflicted. holding SHIFt with my pinky is the most difficult keystroke to do so i’ll just avoid capitals all together. typing isnt easy anymore. my hands feel very heavy and look flat against the keyboard. need to make sure every. single. word. is worth typing simip.y for the inconveniently larger effort than i’m used to. cannabis helps with the muscle spasms, cramps and has me happy and content as i type what others would see as this depressing reflection. this plant helps me further live in the present. so i’m good. right. now. feeling in the moment healthy and happy and even feeling momentarily happy is all that matters in this. present... moment...... .. . forever.
Strong Joshua tree in front of me, beautiful sunset behind me refracted through my lens with a crystal prism.
To all the caretakers out there... We love you. You are appreciated. Your sacrifices do not go unnoticed. Thank you for your unconditional love, care & patience. To all the caretakers that give themselves to others without expecting anything in return.. . you are beautiful & appreciated.
my door just flew open from the storm we’re having. nostalgic. took me back to a seemingly ordinary childhood memory. it was a day that i would give anything to relive again. i remember laying down on that couch with a clear mind. i remember listening to the wind push the leaves and the rain hit the floor. it was a cold day like this, but my life was warm and my mind was present. life without the understanding and fear of death. i used to think that was real contentment. tomorrow marks a year since i was diagnosed with ALS and the thought of death is enough to consume me... but i've learned that there's beauty in the impermanence and tomorrow i’ll simply disconnect and step back in awe. it’s another year to be grateful for, another day i am blessed with. i am ALIVE and for that i can still nap through that same. beautiful. storm... sometimes i’ll even dream and forget that i have ALS.
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© Anthony Carbajal
I have ALS. ALS doesn't have me.
Recent Posts"Nothing can stop you." I WILL FEED YOU What true love would truly want.. Controlling lines distract me from surrendering thoughts. Him - "My hands are filthy." Me - "I don't care." "The red brings out the blue in your eyes!" Stanford Medicine X - The importance of vulnerability. OPPORTUNITY MEETS PREPARATION The outdated purpose of negativity. ALS, thank you for the perspective. Photography, thank you for the healing.